Saturday, 16 October 2010
-
there's a secret magic past world, that you only notice when you're looking back at it.
I have tried to take my thoughts elsewhere on the internet so many times before, but it simply never sticks.
I am in love with this blog. It has weathered through the thick and thin of my life, and it has won me over.I find that I can only ever really express myself when I am here. I have such a hard time telling people how I feel.
I mean, I am fantastic at expressing my opinions, and speaking without thought, and being totally blunt --
but I am absolutely worthless when it comes to being vulnerable around people.
The only place I have ever been able to let it completely out is in this blog. Hiding behind a computer screen.
Secretly hoping that [everyone and no one] will read or remember what I said here when we come face to face.Three years ago almost to the day (Oct 18th), I wrote a blog about self-disclosure vs self-description.
About how I need to get better at self-disclosure. And I would like to say I have progressed,
but I really don't think that I have. I think that I am still stuck there.Sometimes I try really hard to say important things, but I just can't push it out.
I can hang onto one thought for hours, sometimes days -
telling myself over and over, "say it already, just throw it out there, you'll feel so much better" - but I can rarely ever do it.
I usually end up getting extremely anxious about it,
and I'll be awake all night worrying about whether I'll ever be able to just say the things that I want people to know.
Or if I am just destined to spend the rest of my life having unsuccessful pep-talks with myself.I used to evaluate my life extremely often.
Since I have known Tony I feel like I have spent more time living my life than evaluating it.
But now that he is halfway across the country, I have had a lot of time to return to my evaluating ways.
And there are so many things about myself that I thought that I had gotten better at, or changed, or left behind -
and maybe there has been a regression since I've been back home or something -
but the more time I have by myself, the more I realize that I am still as lost and messed up as I used to be.I feel like I am expected to have these answers that I don't have, and that I don't know if I ever will have.
And that if I admit that I don't know what I am doing, that I will lose these things I've got that keep me going.
I realize this sounds stupid, but I just can't get past this fear of ending up back where I started
and having nothing to show for it.so we climbed up here so we can hide from everything
all the lies that we lived beneath
let's pick up where we left off
let's string up everything that we've been afraid of -
we've been living under - we've been taught to remember
and let's learn how to love
-Rocky Votolato "Where We Left Off"
-m.
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
email
- sent 0
- like
Post a Comment